Ask A Guy

Why is he pushing me away?

Submitted by: Kim

"My boyfriend and I started dating 6 weeks after his wife of 13 years left him for another man. Almost immediately, we started "playing house" and I was there every night cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids. We decided to move in together and started looking at houses and out of the blue, he cooled way down on everything. Actually, he brought it to a screeching halt. Of course, at that time, I started sensing that he was pulling away from me and started questioning him on how he felt about me. Last week, he tells me that he thinks he cannot give me his heart, because his ex still may have a piece of it. He's not considering getting back with her and I believe that he truly does care for me. Is this a way to "end it all" or does he just need time to sort things out? Should I wait around? Should I call him? I love this man, but don't want to appear too needy and desperate. At the same time, I don't want to be to distant so that when he does (if he does) figure things out, he won't call me to try to work on OUR relationship. Suggestions????

Sounds like you have a real tricky situation here. I know guys like to jump right into a new relationship after a break up and sometimes we do it too soon. Guys need to work through all the baggage of the old relationship before jumping into a new one just like woman. Obviously he cares enough about you to start a relationship and move in together. Somehow he sees himself sharing a future with you. But he may not have sorted everything out yet. And this may be why he is running a little shy at this point. All of his emotions that are left over from his ex-wife haven’t been sorted out yet and he knows it. When guys say they can’t give you their heart this is what they are really saying.

Guys tend to optimistically move forward and start a relationship with someone they have feelings for but the fact is right now his feelings for you may be muddled by the breakup of his previous marriage. It is going to take some time to develop a relationship of trust with him. Guys can sometimes let things go and even push them away just to see if they will come back to him again. If they do come back guys will trust them with everything. It is going to take some patience on your part to understand what he is going through. And guys need support from those people who are important to us when we go through these tough times in our lives.

You can help your boyfriend to heal and at the same time remain close to him by continuing to communicate with him. Guys love it when woman want to stay in touch and be involved in their lives even if it is superficial and on the surface only. But try and be patient without adding any additional pressure to the situation right now. You will be able to tell when you can move safely forward and when you should back off by his disposition. If you’re up to it and want this to work out with him you will have to be able to follow his lead at times.

Try being subtle with him and less direct when it comes to emotional issues unless he gives you the green light to go ahead. Guys like to feel in control and you can let him feel this way too while you continue to let your relationship unfold naturally and constructively.

Let me tell you guys respond more to actions then they do anything else, be certain your actions express your intentions correctly. You can send him very clear messages by what you do and the actions you take. Remaining involved with him is going to speak very loudly about your motivation to have a relationship with him.

Building on the feelings the both of you have for each other will not only help him to heal it will help the too of you to grow together emotionally. Make sure you follow your heart toward him while his heart is healing. By all means call him, but within reason. Don’t be calling him all hours of the day and night for no reason, make sure you have a valid reason for calling. If you just want to talk with him tell him that’s ok, just tell him so. Guys love that! If you follow your heart and build your relationship with him slowly come around and he will come to trust you and depend on you. These are two qualities guys look for in a woman they want around for the long-term; trust and dependability.

Confused and Worried...

Submitted by: Kirsten

"My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 2 months now, so obviously everything is still new. I didn't find out how badly he had been hurt by his previous relationship until about two weeks ago.
He talks about her all the time, and how much he hates her. This seemed normal at first, until it became a constant thing.

He started talking about how he was a loner, when he's really a very social guy, and then disappearing randomly. He wouldn't tell anyone where he was going or when he was coming back. It's almost as if he's challenging me to make him stop. When I sat down, and asked him to please at least let me know where he was going, and when he thought he'd be back, and his only comments were that he was a loner, and he was sick of bending to others' needs.

After this, I've tried to give him his space. Some days with him are perfect, and I couldn't be happier. Others, he broods all day, and when asked about it, he answers that he works alone and that he'll handle it by himself. He won't even tell me whats wrong, nor if I can do anything.

He was dumped by his ex 6 months ago.

Here's my big question... Did we begin dating too soon for him? I've already asked him this, and he insists that he's completely over his ex, and is happy with me, but his behavior looks to me like it points to the opposite. Should we maybe cool it for a while until he can learn to trust people again, or do you think that that would make things worse, and remind him of what his ex did to him? I want to be with him, but I don't know what he needs.

Confused and worried, Kirsten"

Dear Kirsten,
It sounds as though your boyfriend is not yet over his ex. It is ok and normal for men and people in general to reflect upon things in their life that have gone wrong, but it is not ok for your boyfriend to let the past linger in the mist of your relationship. The feelings of rejection and powerlessness that follow getting dumped are very significant for guys in general. First, the man is forced to acknowledge that he does not control the relationship and is powerless to save something he may value. Secondly, guys tend to have a healthy amount of ego, mine is huge, when they are told they are dumped they see themselves as substandard and we men hate being substandard. It can take a long time for men to get over this slight, often they are "ready" to date again long before they forget the injury.

Honestly, I do not believe that your boyfriend began dating too soon; for men, it is often difficult to get over their last girlfriend until they have a new one. In such a way, it is very much the new girlfriend who helps the man get over his last. This can be hard on the current girlfriend, you, but you should not feel he rushed into your relationship. Time often is not enough to make men forget. In my experience, the longer a man has to reflect on a problem, the more egregious it becomes in his mind. It is important for men to find a way to solve a problem and to avoid letting it fester. Working through the problem, and showing, not telling, your boyfriend you are not his ex is going to be the best ways to help your boyfriend get over her. Cooling things down for a while could very well make things worse; if your boyfriend got over his ex girlfriend during the cool down period, it would likely be with the help of someone else.

As far as your boyfriend saying he is a loner, all the guy that I know including myself, have some tendency to back away from the group from time to time. In addition, being around people you do not want to be around, doing things you do not want to will get old fast.  It is important for you to get to know what your boyfriend’s likes and dislikes are. It is also important to make sure that your boyfriend is not always stuck doing things he truly hates. It is possible that the friends you have in common are ones he does not like all that much himself.  The best way to deal with it is to find out what your boyfriend would rather be doing. If you can take an interest in your boyfriend's preferences, the problem of him thinking about his ex will melt away, he will get over her. Taking interest in your boyfriend's interests also allows you two to become closer and have a much better time together. Focus on your relationship, enjoy each other, and things will work out.

Is he still into me? or is it she?

Submitted by: Michele

"I have been w/ my husband for just over 4 yrs now, we have a 3 yr old son and I am 7 months pergnant. My husband brings up to me that he is "missing" his ex-girlfriend right now and is reminising over what they had. Their relationship ended over 2 yrs before we even meet, but she was his "1st love". While they were together she was stricken w/ cancer that is since in remision. She too is married w/ a son and lives 3 hrs away. She was a virgin and I well, was far from that to say the least. He says this makes me less of a woman and how can I blame him for loving her more? Is this normal for men to want to re-kindel old past relationships? He says I need to just be supportive to him and be a friend and don't "pry" and be "nosy"...am I being nosy if I just want to understand how he is feeling? I feel like he is holding on to something that was so dear and true and you know how that 1st love is so sweet and compared to marriage I am sure he is bored. WHat can I do to keep him interested in ME and only me. He says he can't talk to me about this because I am not objective so he needs to talk to other women to get their point of views....via IM and myspace...I am uncomfortable w/ this, but allow it because I know he needs to share w/ someone & better online than the titty bars! Ugh! I don't know if this is his way of seeing how far he can push me just to test me or if he is pushing me so I will leave him? He says he thinks he settled w/ me and he thinks she loves him as much as he loves her still....what do you guys suggested I do? Please any advice is better than what I am battleing with in my mind."

Hey Michele,

From what you are telling me it sounds like your husband might be feeling some added pressure with the new baby coming and all. Guys tend to put a lot of pressure on themselves when it comes to living up to their responsibilities, especially when it comes to taking care of their wife and kids. We put all this pressure on ourselves about what we think others expect of us and we can get freaked out.

One of the ways guys let some of the steam off is to reminisce about the past. But we tend to look at things in terms of black and white or good and bad. In others words we forget all the bad from the past or we forget all the good. If we’re looking for pressure release we are going to only look at the good parts from the past because if we look at the bad we will only add more stress into the mix and that will only make us feel worse.

One of the other reasons guys tend to reminisce is they are presently feeling vulnerable. Your husband is probably feeling challenged and stretched with the prospect of another child on the way and his responsibilities to you and the kids.  The future can be scary and unpredictable. Two children are certainly going to be more challenging and with more responsibility for him and these factors are likely contributing to him feeling unsure of himself and the future. It is easy for guys to escape to the past as a way to reassure ourselves and feel in control of things. The past is a lot safer and predictable then the future. Thinking about what could have been or might have been somehow releases some of the tension and stress we might be feeling about the future.

Guys love it when a woman voices her trust in him and his ability to take care of her, provide for her and protect her. You can do this by telling him you love him and trust him and you are there for him no matter what. You can do this with words, feelings and actions.

Try not to overreact to what is going on. You love your husband and he needs you right now as much as you need him. Invite some friends over for a dinner party maybe a couple like yourselves. Enjoy some social interaction and some good conversation. Let him release some of built up energy he is storing. Hire a babysitter and go out for the night, just the two of you, maybe to a movie, show or sporting event; something you both can enjoy.

Stay close to him, not too close because he’ll know something is up. But comfortably and sincerely love him. Share and do some things together with him and let him know you respect him as a man, father and your husband. Don’t worry he will eventually come around and he will love you for it.

Match Made?

Submitted by: Lisa

"I recently met a guy on Match. We are totally compatible and were getting along great. I noticed a few weeks in that he was being distant. I didn't say anything, we are still casually dating at this point. One night at dinner he tells me his ex-girlfriend of 5 years who was deployed to the middle East for an unknown amount of time is now coming back into town for the summer. She will be leaving again after that. He said he can't get involved with me because he isn't emotionally available. Although he thought she was gone for good, they did have a big bad break up and he still loves her. I don't get it...she left and they ended their relationship. What is the deal here?"

Lisa, here is the deal. It sounds to me like your boy got dumped by this exgirlfriend before she took off. Us men have a very hard time letting go especially when it was not we doing the letting go. He has not and will not let her go for 1 of 2 reasons. Either a) He really is still in love with her or b) his pride is hurt and he just haven't been able to get pass that. Whatever the answer, you were not in a good place from the start. His next "girl" was doomed to be dumped by him. He was not going to let that happen to him again, he had to regain control. This is not about you, it is all about him. This is not one you want to continue with. Thank him for being unavailable.

Is He Interested?

Submitted by: I Want to Know

"Okay, so I think I kinda like this guy, but I’m not sure if he likes me. I just met at my part time job about a month ago. He is very nice and says hi to me all the time. We actually talk a whole lot and seem to have a lot in common. We like the same bands and foods. Sometimes he talks about random nonsense just to talk to me. Or at least I think that is the reason. I’m not exactly sure if he is flirting or not. One time we were talking and he asked where was my boyfriend. It seemed like he was asking in a joking way so I didn’t really know what to think. I kinda just brushed it off, but I do still wonder if he was serious. What do you think? Does he like me or not? Maybe I should just send him a note and ask him to circle one, lol."

It looks like you’ve got yourself a shy one. A lot of times guys like us are just too scared of rejection to take a chance and tell you they like you. I’ve done it. Plus, we feel that if we chase a girl too much, after we catch her, she’ll be apt to go for another guy who’s chasing her. It’s the theory that the fun is in the hunt, not in actually catching the prey. I’m not trying to compare you to animals or anything, just trying to use an analogy. Like animals, we all ultimately rely on our instincts, and in this case, I think he’s showing just enough interest to test the water without having to commit himself to make a grab for you. It’s a defense mechanism.

You say you “kinda” like him, which in guy talk means you do. You see, when it comes to girls, to us, “maybe” means yes and “no” means maybe. So all you’ve got to do is extend some sort of plutonic invitation for coffee or a drink or even to attend a party or event as friends, depending on how daring you want to be. That way, you can stick your toe in the water. Believe me, if he’s interested, he’ll reciprocate in kind — and by that I mean that he’ll make the effort to express his desire for you. He’ll ask you to go somewhere with him. If it’s to a gathering where other people can see him with a girl, then you’ll know. We like to show off our romantic interests, but we’re reluctant to attend an event with a female as “just friends” other than someone who’s already known to our circle as a buddy of the opposite sex. Believe me.

It’s a pretty convoluted situation because you don’t know what he’s thinking, and he doesn’t know what you’re thinking. And until two people of the opposite sex spend a lot of time together, they never will. So I say give it a try. You’ve got nothing to lose. If you’re unsure, keep him to yourself and don’t make it seem like a couple until you know you’re ready. You could also come right out and ask, but that may frighten him a bit. If he’s already skittish about asking you out, you could send him running like a stampede of horses. Also keep in mind that his behavior may reflect that he doesn’t take charge in most situations. So if you become involved, you may have to nudge him all the time or be the one to take the rein in your own hands to get something done. Just a head’s up. Feel free to come back and ask follow-up questions if that’s the case.

Friend bullied by her husband

Submitted by: Suzzane Williams

"My husband and I have been going out with another couple since we were both dating. We got married at around the same time and we get together once every couple of months or so for dinner and drinks. I have noticed that over time Janet has become more and more meek and submissive and Mark seems a lot more impatient and harsh with her. He has made inappropriate jokes at her expense a few times and she sits in the awkward silence looking dejected while Mark chuckles pompously. I’ve mention my observations to my husband and he shrugs it off and says that they're nice people but they were always a big weird to him. Hanging out with them is becoming less fun but you don't want to lose contact with Janet. What do I do? Should I reach out to Janet privately? Do I put Mark in his place the next time he belittles Janet in your presence? I ask because I honestly think that my husband should stand up for Janet, but he doesn’t. Why not? He is generally very chivalrous, but he doesn’t stand up for my friend."

I think you’ve answered your question yourself; you have to approach Janet privately. There could be something going on in their marriage to cause this kind of friction; maybe Janet is guilty of something, and this is Mark’s way of getting even with. Men do that. We hold grudges against our women and often take it out on them in public. It’s a form of humiliation. Sooner or later, though, we usually get over it, but sometimes the behavior continues because we get used to it. And it feels empowering. But it’s wrong.

Janet needs to know how you feel. She might turn to you for help, or she could avoid telling you if my speculation about her doing something wrong is correct. She could think she deserves this kind of treatment. Talk to her, but do it when the men aren’t around. Mark would probably take offense if you approached him. You would become a threat to his running the marriage how he sees fit. And your husband doesn’t interfere because he’s already bonded with Mark. It’s kind of a guy’s code of ethics.

No matter what the reason behind Mark’s behavior, you should offer to help Janet as much as possible. She probably needs a friend like you, even if it’s just for support. But remember that you’ll be in a sticky situation. If you step too far, you could become too involved in their relationship. If Janet doesn’t want to talk about it, tell her that you’ll be there for her if she changes her mind. If she does tell you what’s going on, you have to play it by ear and use your best judgment. In the meantime, you should avoid displaying any animosity toward Mark. Otherwise you and your husband’s friendship with them could be damaged.

Boyfriend can't get over his ex

Submitted by: Pauline

"I have been dating a man for the past two years. For the most part, he is kind, hardworking and extremely generous. I think however, he is extremely insecure. You see, he is divorced and his ex-wife really treated him badly. I am legally separated from my husband, but not divorced. My boyfriend really has issues with that. In fact, he seems to have issues with just about everything on any given day. I especially notice that he'll have a lot to gripe about after he's done something extremely generous for me. Four weeks ago, he approached me, after I complained that I felt he was being distant and I was unhappy with the state of our relationship, and he said to me, "he is not happy with the relationship either. He does not want to have a relationship with me where we discuss finances...." I was extremely shocked at this since we both have our own house and maintain our finances separately from each other. We never discuss money per se, except if I am stressed I will say so, but not to solicit anything except some comfort or a shoulder. In fact, he often gets mad at me because I never turn to him when I am in a financial bind. Considering all this, I asked him if by his comments he meant that I should not ask him for money or expect him to give me money, and not to go to him with my problems, to which he answered "yes." I then told him that while I never expected any of that from him, him taking that option away from me pretty much put a damper on the relationship. He then started bringing up irrelevant issues to support his point, and concluded by saying well, infidelity and finances are the two major things that causes a relationship to end. Needless to say, I haven't spoken to him since, nor has he made any meaningful attempts to talk to me either. We still have keys to each other's house, even though I have not been to his. He's been to mine to pick up things that he had left here and needed for work, etc. and have used his set of keys to my house to enter....The bottom line is that we have not said its over, but I don't see where there is a future for me here. I also don't feel the urge to talk to him and feel a lot less stressed not dealing with him right now. Would you agree that, given the circumstances, he was just looking for a way to break up with me?"

In one simple word, the answer is “yes.” But I also believe that it goes much deeper. He is obviously not over his previous relationship and seems to be projecting the causes of his breakup with his wife onto you. You kept your finances separate, yet he thinks there is a problem that, according to you, does not exist. I lean toward believing you because you explained things from both sides of the story. The irrelevant issues he brought up also support his inability to let go of his previous relationship. He mentioned infidelity and finances, but neither seems to have been an issue with your relationship, so where is this guy coming from.

We guys often do this when we feel unable to control a situation. We find fault in the people with whom we form new relationships based on our past experiences, and it’s downright wrong. I did it once, too, projecting an alcohol problem from my ex-wife onto a new girlfriend, and I feel extremely guilty about it. But I never admitted it or did anything about it until it was too late. As a result, I lost a chance at a long-term relationship. I think that’s what this guy has done, and it will take time for him to face it. Most men, like me, don’t want to admit they’re wrong when it comes to taking the blame for a ruined relationship until they live in denial — sometimes for years. Because you’re so well-grounded, he had problems being “the man,” and instead of dealing with it, he saw his ex in you and just let things fall apart. I don’t think he was looking for a way to break up; rather he was trying to avoid being hurt like he was in his last relationship. It’s a sign of weakness.

I think you should let it go; if he comes to terms with his problems, you still may have a chance. But don’t bet on it. You don’t owe him anything, but he owes you some kind of explanation. I’m not saying you should hold it against him; you still may be able to help him resolve his emotional dilemma, and that would make you a better person. In the meantime, all you can do is move on while keeping your door open to him. He may still turn out to be a friend. In fact, I’d bet that one day he’ll turn to you and say, “You know, I really screwed up our relationship, and I am really sorry. Please forgive me.”

Are men the simplest creatures alive?

Submitted by: Wife Material

"As a woman, I know that we do not quite think the same way is men. Some things to me seem like a no-brainer, but my husband is lost. For example, we do not have a mailbox per se. Our mail is deposited via a mail slot, which means for the majority of the day our important mail sits between our screen door and our front door. If the screen door is not locked, it’s essentially the same as leaving your mailbox wide open! Yet, my husband, who is the last to leave the house, manages to do this everyday! No matter how much I remind him, it just does not seem important to him. What can I do to make him understand? Why do men think so differently? Why is it that some things that seem obvious to women are so hard to grasp for men? You really must be the simplest creatures alive."

Well, there are definitely simpler creatures to men, they're just easier to read and understand.  The problem isn't with men as a whole, but rather the communication between your husband and yourself.  We guys internalize a lot of things, not sharing as often as you would like us to, and not taking in any new ideas that would screw our current psyche.  There's ways to get into your guys head, but in order to so you need to be creative and enticing.  Maybe make a deal with your hubby, that involves something that he'll remember for a couple of weeks".

Men like incentive, and they love to work towards something.  If you make it a challenge to him with a reward if he completes the task, he'll feel more motivated to follow through.  Sure, you could ask him over and over again and nag him about it every day, but he'll just tune it out like he has been.  Guys don't like being nagged to, and when they are, they will do exactly the opposite of what you're saying.

That's why I suggest making it a game of sorts.  Offer him something above and beyond the normal bedroom routine you have, maybe more or different kinds of sex.  Make it romantic, leave notes, be cute about it, compliment him along the way.

Or you could just get a new front door with a mail slot, so the mail goes into your house instead of in between doors.

Trying to get him to commit

Submitted by: Wendy

"I just don’t understand. Why don’t guys equate love with sex the same way we women do? I’ve been having sex with the same guy for the last three years. I am soooo in love with him, but it’s obvious he doesn’t feel the same way. If he did, he would be willing to be exclusive with me, right? I’ve asked him time and time again would he be willing to consider me a girlfriend, and he always says no. Yet, I haven’t stopped having sex with him because I love him. Even as I type this I feel like an idiot, but every time we are together I feel even closer to him. Why doesn’t he feel the same way? Why isn’t he ready to date exclusively after three years of intimate relations? What can I do to change this attitude about us? Is it even possible to turn this into a real relationship at this point?"

It sounds like your question asks, “How can I make him love me?” The answer is you can’t unless you get your hands on Love Potion No. 9, and that only works in the movies. You’ve been giving away the milk for three years now, and you’re not going to be able to sell this guy the cow until he decides to buy it. Guys love being in the position (pardon the pun) that your quasi-boyfriend has achieved: sex with no commitments. If the two of you have talked about this, and he is just not budging, then you may be better off considering opening your love life to other possibilities. You may be surprised how quickly his attitude changes once he finds out you have other love interests.

You see, we guys don’t express our feelings as readily as you women, which you probably already know. We often treat relationships like a tradeoff as opposed to you women, who invest your hearts into romance and hope for love in return. Guys tend to want the best of both worlds, but they’ll settle for less and commit to a woman if they think their needs will be satisfied. In this situation, it seems that his needs are sex and freedom. He’s got both, and he doesn’t intend to give either one up.

I suggest you talk to him again, and this time let him know you’re not sure how much longer you can wait for him. Be nice, but firm. Two things can happen: He’ll state to realize that he won’t have the best of both worlds for much longer, and he’ll be more accepting to a commitment. Or he’ll continue to be stubborn and have to live with the fact that he could lose you at any time. Either way, you’ll be in a position to better control your love life. And remember, if the two of you are meant to be together in a commitment, it’ll happen. You gotta have faith.

In love with your longtime friend

Submitted by: Allison

"I’m a college sophomore and, for the first time in my life, I am really enjoying myself. I used to suffer from really bad depression, but now, my entire life has changed! I am happy and I have friends that I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! All that is missing is a partner, a good friend. I want someone that I can share my secrets with. Someone I can have fun with, and I think I found him. But I don’t think he sees me that way. We’ve been friends since we were in middle school. He has always been there for me and I love him so much! Yet, he has a girlfriend now, and I know he would be completely shocked to know about my true feelings. If he is not interested in me romantically, I don’t want to ruin our friendship. So, I need your opinion. How can I tell my best friend that I am truly, madly, deeply – that’s one of our favorite bands – in love with him without crushing our friendship if he rejects me? I want to tell him I love him with no pressure. LOL, as if that’s possible. Please help!"

I think you have to look at this from both sides, especially from a guy’s point of view. You’ve been friends for a long time, and he has never expressed a romantic interest in you. Plus he has a girlfriend. If you’re really truly, madly, deeply in love with him, as you put it, you won’t ruin his chances with his current girlfriend. Picture this: As a man, I would be going along thinking you’re one of my best friends. Maybe I’ve even convinced my girlfriend that the two of us have never had intimacy, and she accepts our relationship without jealousy. Then, pow, you drop the “good news” on me, effectively driving two wedges with one blow. You’ll strain our friendship because you’re asking me to decide between you and my girlfriend completely out of the blue. You’ll strain my relationship with her because in the back of my mind, even if she has no idea how you feel about me, I’ll always wonder what your intentions are.

The best thing you can do is support him any way you can and try to be his best friend, guys like that. If the two of you are meant to be together, it will happen. Most guys would have no problem letting you know they’re interested. Somewhere down the road, he may have problems in his relationship with her. They may even break up. Be there when he needs you, and your romance will have a chance to bloom. Otherwise, butt out. It’s great that you’re finally happy, and it sounds like he helped you overcome your depression. Now it’s payback time. You might want to consider why you’re suddenly in love after all these years (based on you words). You’ve decided to take your life to the next level, and By God, he’s the one you want at all costs.

Put your faith in fate, for now. You’re young; life is good, and there are so many opportunities out there. I see no problem with longtime friends starting an intimate relationship without damaging their friendship. Many friends have become romantic only to revert to their previous friendship. Bide your time and wait until he’s single again. Then, after a few weeks or a couple of months, lay it on him any way you want. If he rejects you then, it will be easy to come to an understanding as “just friends.” If he accepts you, you will have your “Heaven on earth.” But keep in mind, the risk of losing him as a friend still exists. Usually, the risk is worth it, and men like us are more than willing to roll the dice.