Ask A Guy

Friend bullied by her husband

Submitted by: Suzzane Williams

"My husband and I have been going out with another couple since we were both dating. We got married at around the same time and we get together once every couple of months or so for dinner and drinks. I have noticed that over time Janet has become more and more meek and submissive and Mark seems a lot more impatient and harsh with her. He has made inappropriate jokes at her expense a few times and she sits in the awkward silence looking dejected while Mark chuckles pompously. I’ve mention my observations to my husband and he shrugs it off and says that they're nice people but they were always a big weird to him. Hanging out with them is becoming less fun but you don't want to lose contact with Janet. What do I do? Should I reach out to Janet privately? Do I put Mark in his place the next time he belittles Janet in your presence? I ask because I honestly think that my husband should stand up for Janet, but he doesn’t. Why not? He is generally very chivalrous, but he doesn’t stand up for my friend."

I think you’ve answered your question yourself; you have to approach Janet privately. There could be something going on in their marriage to cause this kind of friction; maybe Janet is guilty of something, and this is Mark’s way of getting even with. Men do that. We hold grudges against our women and often take it out on them in public. It’s a form of humiliation. Sooner or later, though, we usually get over it, but sometimes the behavior continues because we get used to it. And it feels empowering. But it’s wrong.

Janet needs to know how you feel. She might turn to you for help, or she could avoid telling you if my speculation about her doing something wrong is correct. She could think she deserves this kind of treatment. Talk to her, but do it when the men aren’t around. Mark would probably take offense if you approached him. You would become a threat to his running the marriage how he sees fit. And your husband doesn’t interfere because he’s already bonded with Mark. It’s kind of a guy’s code of ethics.

No matter what the reason behind Mark’s behavior, you should offer to help Janet as much as possible. She probably needs a friend like you, even if it’s just for support. But remember that you’ll be in a sticky situation. If you step too far, you could become too involved in their relationship. If Janet doesn’t want to talk about it, tell her that you’ll be there for her if she changes her mind. If she does tell you what’s going on, you have to play it by ear and use your best judgment. In the meantime, you should avoid displaying any animosity toward Mark. Otherwise you and your husband’s friendship with them could be damaged.

Trying to get him to commit

Submitted by: Wendy

"I just don’t understand. Why don’t guys equate love with sex the same way we women do? I’ve been having sex with the same guy for the last three years. I am soooo in love with him, but it’s obvious he doesn’t feel the same way. If he did, he would be willing to be exclusive with me, right? I’ve asked him time and time again would he be willing to consider me a girlfriend, and he always says no. Yet, I haven’t stopped having sex with him because I love him. Even as I type this I feel like an idiot, but every time we are together I feel even closer to him. Why doesn’t he feel the same way? Why isn’t he ready to date exclusively after three years of intimate relations? What can I do to change this attitude about us? Is it even possible to turn this into a real relationship at this point?"

It sounds like your question asks, “How can I make him love me?” The answer is you can’t unless you get your hands on Love Potion No. 9, and that only works in the movies. You’ve been giving away the milk for three years now, and you’re not going to be able to sell this guy the cow until he decides to buy it. Guys love being in the position (pardon the pun) that your quasi-boyfriend has achieved: sex with no commitments. If the two of you have talked about this, and he is just not budging, then you may be better off considering opening your love life to other possibilities. You may be surprised how quickly his attitude changes once he finds out you have other love interests.

You see, we guys don’t express our feelings as readily as you women, which you probably already know. We often treat relationships like a tradeoff as opposed to you women, who invest your hearts into romance and hope for love in return. Guys tend to want the best of both worlds, but they’ll settle for less and commit to a woman if they think their needs will be satisfied. In this situation, it seems that his needs are sex and freedom. He’s got both, and he doesn’t intend to give either one up.

I suggest you talk to him again, and this time let him know you’re not sure how much longer you can wait for him. Be nice, but firm. Two things can happen: He’ll state to realize that he won’t have the best of both worlds for much longer, and he’ll be more accepting to a commitment. Or he’ll continue to be stubborn and have to live with the fact that he could lose you at any time. Either way, you’ll be in a position to better control your love life. And remember, if the two of you are meant to be together in a commitment, it’ll happen. You gotta have faith.

Tatto of ex's name on rump

Submitted by: Anonymous

"I am so embarrassed that I don't even want to share my name. Last weekend, I went out with a group of my girlfriends. In a drunken stupor, I got a tattoo! The plan, at the time, was to get my boyfriend's name. Well, like an idiot, I got my EX- boyfriend's name. Now this tattoo is on my butt, and my CURRENT boyfriend will be back from vacation in a week. What am I going to do? My boyfriend hates tattoos and hates my ex. They used to be best friends. He is going to completely flip out when he sees this. Should I just tell him the story of the drunken stupor and hope he doesn’t go ballistic? Should I rush back and try to cover it up? I don’t know what to do. What would you do if your girlfriend came home with another man’s name tattooed on her ass?"

If I was your boyfriend, yes, I would be ballistic. It’s the ultimate insult to us guys unless you can convince us that you were so drunk, you had no idea what you were doing. It’s as bad as calling out your ex’s name during sex.

But there are some things you can do for damage control. First of all, unless you can get surgery to remove it before he sees it, forget about covering it up. Guys look at that sort of thing like you’re hiding an affair with your ex. And he’ll know something’s up because they’ll be a bandage, maybe medication, etc.

Instead, just tell him, but avoid showing him. Promise you’ll get it taken care of as soon as possible, and no one else has to know (other than those who know already). Tell him you’ll have it altered by another tattoo artist to cover it. We guys respect honesty, but keep in mind, it takes a long time before we totally trust again. In the mean time, you’ll have to treat him like a king.

The important part is why you did it. The drunken stupor story would leave any guy thinking you could do anything while you’re drunk and we’re not around. Not good. You’ve got to deflect the blame somehow. Maybe one of the girlfriends in your group would be willing to take the blame for jokingly suggesting it while you were at the tattoo parlor. Then it becomes a prank gone awry. And you minimize your responsibility. It depends on how important this relationship is to you. And one more note: You may want to consider whether it was a subconscious act, and you still have feelings for your ex. Only you can decide that.