Ask A Guy

Boyfriend can't get over his ex

Submitted by: Pauline

"I have been dating a man for the past two years. For the most part, he is kind, hardworking and extremely generous. I think however, he is extremely insecure. You see, he is divorced and his ex-wife really treated him badly. I am legally separated from my husband, but not divorced. My boyfriend really has issues with that. In fact, he seems to have issues with just about everything on any given day. I especially notice that he'll have a lot to gripe about after he's done something extremely generous for me. Four weeks ago, he approached me, after I complained that I felt he was being distant and I was unhappy with the state of our relationship, and he said to me, "he is not happy with the relationship either. He does not want to have a relationship with me where we discuss finances...." I was extremely shocked at this since we both have our own house and maintain our finances separately from each other. We never discuss money per se, except if I am stressed I will say so, but not to solicit anything except some comfort or a shoulder. In fact, he often gets mad at me because I never turn to him when I am in a financial bind. Considering all this, I asked him if by his comments he meant that I should not ask him for money or expect him to give me money, and not to go to him with my problems, to which he answered "yes." I then told him that while I never expected any of that from him, him taking that option away from me pretty much put a damper on the relationship. He then started bringing up irrelevant issues to support his point, and concluded by saying well, infidelity and finances are the two major things that causes a relationship to end. Needless to say, I haven't spoken to him since, nor has he made any meaningful attempts to talk to me either. We still have keys to each other's house, even though I have not been to his. He's been to mine to pick up things that he had left here and needed for work, etc. and have used his set of keys to my house to enter....The bottom line is that we have not said its over, but I don't see where there is a future for me here. I also don't feel the urge to talk to him and feel a lot less stressed not dealing with him right now. Would you agree that, given the circumstances, he was just looking for a way to break up with me?"

In one simple word, the answer is “yes.” But I also believe that it goes much deeper. He is obviously not over his previous relationship and seems to be projecting the causes of his breakup with his wife onto you. You kept your finances separate, yet he thinks there is a problem that, according to you, does not exist. I lean toward believing you because you explained things from both sides of the story. The irrelevant issues he brought up also support his inability to let go of his previous relationship. He mentioned infidelity and finances, but neither seems to have been an issue with your relationship, so where is this guy coming from.

We guys often do this when we feel unable to control a situation. We find fault in the people with whom we form new relationships based on our past experiences, and it’s downright wrong. I did it once, too, projecting an alcohol problem from my ex-wife onto a new girlfriend, and I feel extremely guilty about it. But I never admitted it or did anything about it until it was too late. As a result, I lost a chance at a long-term relationship. I think that’s what this guy has done, and it will take time for him to face it. Most men, like me, don’t want to admit they’re wrong when it comes to taking the blame for a ruined relationship until they live in denial — sometimes for years. Because you’re so well-grounded, he had problems being “the man,” and instead of dealing with it, he saw his ex in you and just let things fall apart. I don’t think he was looking for a way to break up; rather he was trying to avoid being hurt like he was in his last relationship. It’s a sign of weakness.

I think you should let it go; if he comes to terms with his problems, you still may have a chance. But don’t bet on it. You don’t owe him anything, but he owes you some kind of explanation. I’m not saying you should hold it against him; you still may be able to help him resolve his emotional dilemma, and that would make you a better person. In the meantime, all you can do is move on while keeping your door open to him. He may still turn out to be a friend. In fact, I’d bet that one day he’ll turn to you and say, “You know, I really screwed up our relationship, and I am really sorry. Please forgive me.”

Your boyfriend's no Cassanova

Submitted by: Confused Roz

"My boyfriend is not romantic at all. I’ve often wondered why. Why don’t guys think of little ways to surprise their girlfriends? I mean, we really like it when you show us you were thinking about us. I was wondering, if I show that I am romantic, will he be more romantic too? What kinds of things to do guys like to be surprised with? Do they even like “romance”? I am truly at a loss here. I want to show him how I want to be treated because I think actions are louder than words. But, I don’t know if that is going to work. How can I get it through my guys head that I need more romance? I am otherwise happy in our relationship, but this one thing is missing. Help! Any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated because I don’t know where to start."

This is an issue that has plagued women for centuries. We guys tend to either be romantic or not. But, contrary to popular belief, we almost always think we’re romantic whether we are or not. And, of course, it all depends on how you define romance. That is the key to your situation. Romance can be spontaneous affection, a gift or token of love when it’s least expected or just a heightened sense of chivalry, for instance, opening doors and pulling out chairs.

Your approach of demonstrating romance and hoping he’ll respond in kind wouldn’t be a bad idea if you weren’t dealing with a man. You see, the more romance you show him, the more confident he’ll be that he has you hooked. And that will work against you. You’re better off making a point to tell him when he shows his romantic side, even if it’s minor. Every time he does something even remotely romantic, you have to tell him, “I love it when you do that.” He wants to make you happy, but he doesn’t necessarily know how. We guys get all caught up in being good providers, etc., we forget about the emotional side because it’s not as important to us. We try to be strong and, therefore, we don’t realize that true strength lies in recognizing your partner’s needs and doing your best to fulfill them.

Your best bet is to tell him you need more romance, but don’t hound him. Don’t just say, “I need more romance.” Instead try, “Let’s do something romantic.” And, as barbaric as it makes us men look, start on the sexual side because that’s where we respond the quickest. Give him a big hug and kiss out of the blue. Maybe even take it farther and seduce him when he least expects it, perhaps first thing in the morning before he gets ready for work at if he comes home for lunch. It’s similar to your approach of showing him romance, but much more effective than a candlelight dinner or a mushy card on his birthday. Most importantly, never push. With enough gentle nudging here and there, you’ll find him becoming more romantic — at least within his capacity to be romantic.

How to tell him you may be bisexual

Submitted by: Melissa

"I hope that you can help. Honestly, I am not really sure where to start. I have been seeing my boyfriend now for the last 2 years. We are very happy and moving towards marriage, I think. I have a secret though, and I am afraid I might lose him if I tell him. During the past year of our relationship, I have also started to become attracted to girls. How should I tell my boyfriend? I think its only fair. How do yo think he will react?"

Believe me, your “problem” is not nearly as bad as you think. Most of us guys can easily handle a girlfriend who is attracted to other women. It’s other men we tend to have a problem with. Secretly, most of us want our girlfriends to consider “swinging” with a third-party female; it’s a fairly universal fantasy. Don’t get me wrong; some guys prefer to keep it a fantasy because they’re not sure how well they’ll deal with it in the long run. In the back of our minds, we fear that you may leave us for a woman, and that is actually worse then being left for another man. But you can ease your boyfriend’s mind by constantly sharing your feelings with him and reassuring him that he’s the one you want to be with. If he knows that he’ll be a lot more receptive to your alternative lifestyle.

Here’s how you do it: Don’t just sit him down and tell him; it’ll sound like a “Dear John” letter, and he’ll think you preparing him for a breakup. Gradually share your thoughts with him about other women. Tell him what you think when you both see a pretty woman or find yourself talking about mutual female friends. Compliment her body, her beauty or other female qualities. If he seems to accept your admiration of other women, make your comments more provocative. At some point, the question will arise whether you feel sexually attracted or just admire the strong points of other women. At that point, your response should be something along the lines of, “I have thought about it.” Bingo. He’ll get the impression that he is a part of your transformation. And the fact that you are open with him about it reinforces his confidence. From that point on, in his mind, you’re not cheating on him by having intimate thoughts about another person (a woman, that is) because he’s in the loop.

Whether you actually hook up with a female lover is another story. It probably will turn out that he wants to be involved with any intimacy you have with a girlfriend. Less likely, but still possible, he may accept your affairs with women as long as you keep him informed. Don’t lie, and he may even be proud of your honesty (guys like talking about girl-girl encounters, and he will impress his friends if you don’t mind him sharing some information with one or two close buddies). I know this may sound odd, but it’ll work, and your relationship will develop much better than if you try to change things on a dime. Feel free to come back with any follow-up questions.