Ask A Guy

In love with your longtime friend

Submitted by: Allison

"I’m a college sophomore and, for the first time in my life, I am really enjoying myself. I used to suffer from really bad depression, but now, my entire life has changed! I am happy and I have friends that I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! All that is missing is a partner, a good friend. I want someone that I can share my secrets with. Someone I can have fun with, and I think I found him. But I don’t think he sees me that way. We’ve been friends since we were in middle school. He has always been there for me and I love him so much! Yet, he has a girlfriend now, and I know he would be completely shocked to know about my true feelings. If he is not interested in me romantically, I don’t want to ruin our friendship. So, I need your opinion. How can I tell my best friend that I am truly, madly, deeply – that’s one of our favorite bands – in love with him without crushing our friendship if he rejects me? I want to tell him I love him with no pressure. LOL, as if that’s possible. Please help!"

I think you have to look at this from both sides, especially from a guy’s point of view. You’ve been friends for a long time, and he has never expressed a romantic interest in you. Plus he has a girlfriend. If you’re really truly, madly, deeply in love with him, as you put it, you won’t ruin his chances with his current girlfriend. Picture this: As a man, I would be going along thinking you’re one of my best friends. Maybe I’ve even convinced my girlfriend that the two of us have never had intimacy, and she accepts our relationship without jealousy. Then, pow, you drop the “good news” on me, effectively driving two wedges with one blow. You’ll strain our friendship because you’re asking me to decide between you and my girlfriend completely out of the blue. You’ll strain my relationship with her because in the back of my mind, even if she has no idea how you feel about me, I’ll always wonder what your intentions are.

The best thing you can do is support him any way you can and try to be his best friend, guys like that. If the two of you are meant to be together, it will happen. Most guys would have no problem letting you know they’re interested. Somewhere down the road, he may have problems in his relationship with her. They may even break up. Be there when he needs you, and your romance will have a chance to bloom. Otherwise, butt out. It’s great that you’re finally happy, and it sounds like he helped you overcome your depression. Now it’s payback time. You might want to consider why you’re suddenly in love after all these years (based on you words). You’ve decided to take your life to the next level, and By God, he’s the one you want at all costs.

Put your faith in fate, for now. You’re young; life is good, and there are so many opportunities out there. I see no problem with longtime friends starting an intimate relationship without damaging their friendship. Many friends have become romantic only to revert to their previous friendship. Bide your time and wait until he’s single again. Then, after a few weeks or a couple of months, lay it on him any way you want. If he rejects you then, it will be easy to come to an understanding as “just friends.” If he accepts you, you will have your “Heaven on earth.” But keep in mind, the risk of losing him as a friend still exists. Usually, the risk is worth it, and men like us are more than willing to roll the dice.

Dad hates your fiance

Submitted by: Future Mrs Hollenbaugh

"Hey guys! My wedding is now 3 weeks away. Although I’m very excited, I’m also very anxious. My fiancé and my dad do not get along at all! In fact, my daddy hates him. Granted, daddy has good reason to hate my fiancé, Rob. You see, this is the second time we have been engaged. The first time, Rob stood me up at the altar. Daddy was pretty po’d considering he was out a lot of money from the deposits and all. Rob has truly changed, and we are ready to spend the rest of our life together. How can I get my daddy to see the man that I see? I would try to get them to do something together, but, as far as I know, they don’t even like any of the same things. They can barely stand to be in the same room together. What can I do to get my fiancé and my daddy to at least be civil? If this keeps up, the something blue on my wedding day will be ME!

I see trouble right from the start. If this moron stood you up at the altar, he could run again any time. You say, “Rob has truly change,” but you may be fooling yourself. It sounds like he sweet-talked you, and you’re buying it. Or it may be that Dad thinks no man is good enough for his daughter, but I would bet that he sees something you don’t. If you just up and marry Rob now, you’ll be dealing with this for a long time, and it won’t be fun. Sure, Dad may come around eventually, but he won’t forget that Rob jilted you. But with the wedding so close, you’re between a rock and a hard place.

My only advice is to talk to your dad about Rob’s shortcomings. Instead of convincing Papa that Rob really is a good guy, tell him that you know his faults. List them off; fess up that Rob has weaknesses. You just can’t help but love him. Your dad will at least know you’re going in with your eyes open. His behavior is probably based on his protective instincts. He just doesn’t want to see you hurt, and he’s taking whatever measures he can to ensure against it. Admit that your Dad may be right; at least you’ll avoid the “I told you so” attitude if things don’t work out. And as far as trying to get them to like each other, stop trying to play peacemaker. There’s going to be an elephant in the room for some time, and you might as well let it wonder around on its own.

Rob and your dad will come to terms or they won’t. But they’re men, and believe me, we don’t want women convincing us to like a man we have problems with. It’s emasculating. We’d rather take the credit when we come to accept someone we have disliked for a long time. So go on with your wedding, let Dad grumble and just hang in there without trying to patch things up. It’s their issue; you’re just a somewhat innocent bystander. Besides, if Rob is a man, he’ll be the one to fix the problem with your dad. And that’s how it should be.