Submitted by: Woman In Red
i've had my boyfriend for 2+ years now, and we had some 2 yrs, 23 yrs back - and bore him a child of whom he didn't know about until 21 yrs after. the first phase we had was when we were both single, and now he's been married for 24 years, and still is. and i have been divorced for 18 yrs now. i've had relationships that i had kept from him, but eventually he learned about, and he being a jealous person, had become more jealous. and after 21 yrs he found me again and hooked up via mails and calls. we were in 2 parts of the world. and agreed to meet after 6 months of daily calls and mails. 2 weeks before we met once more, i ended a hope from someone who had promised me marriage after his divorce, but since i found once more my true love, i chose to tell this person to drop me from his plan. although at that point, i was also firm that i will not be in an affair, but i didn't want cheating anyone, so eventually i'd also not have a relationship with my now boyfriend. but when i was with this old flame for some 5 hours, one thing led to the other when i saw this long time flame to say goodbye, and sex happened. some 7 months back, i had found a way to force my job to be situated where he is, and be with him, for that whole 7 months. In this time, I didn’t go home to my children and my dying mom, who actually passed away in January without me being by her side. With that said, he had access to everything, including my emails. I allowed this to prove that I could be trusted. and sometime in march'08, my boyfriend found traces of emails of this meeting, 9but none of the sex thing), that i thought was already deleted from in my computer, and so i confessed altogether, and chose to be honest about it. this had really broken his heart, and it was a real difficult time. to him i cheated, and i agreed to this with so much justifications, because i knew i had my reasons at that time. trust absolutely failed, because he can't accept that before coming to him, i had met up with someone. and i explained that i neither planned to be in a relationship with him, though i love him, because he was married. that's a real long story.. i being so sorry that i have hurt him, although i had my reasons, i had to take in his own, because i should have told him of that important past when we first met, specially when we said we'd pursue the relationship. this is one major blow, and this is a real problem that stings almost all the time... but he had hang on. Although there are times when I caught him communicating with his old affairs, and he said but there is no sex, just I did…so I would only forgive and forget. this is just a background so you see how volatile his heart is already. You may opt not to publish this part…
the current problem i have now however, is one that we had 3 days ago. we have the habit of hanging out on the phone when not together, and stretches for hours and hours. so, i was watching tv while we were on the phone and got so engrossed, and got to the point of ignoring him. So eventually he got mad and said just go watch your tv…. The following day I was apologizing and said that I’m sorry that I made him feel ignored. And to him I was not owning up to ignoring him, and that I am even saying that he should not feel that, and he should understand. And my response to that was that all I’m saying that I’m sorry that he felt ignored, and it was not intentional. This had grown to him saying that I’m insulting his intelligence, and I have no respect for him, since I should know that he knows that I don’t intend it…. And this had gone around in circles for another 2 days with him ignoring me as I am on the phone, and truly being cold to me. And today, he said that I always had done this insult and disrespect to him and he is giving up on me. And I am now in so much pain of the thought he is leaving me, and was begging for him not to. Eventually he said, ok, but I’m thinking it was just to make me stop. What do you think should I do now… I love him so much more now, and I have been so dependent on this love. I feel like going crazy by the thought of him leaving me! I am going to his place by end of this week, he says he can’t see me, because he needs to tend to his wife… and he knew I was coming 2 weeks ago… your thoughts pls.
thanx!
Woman in Red, I want to make sure I understand this right. You have a two year relationship with a man who is married, and recently had an affair with a child you bore. As such your married boyfriend shouldn't be offended that you cheated. For one, he's cheating on his wife with you. Secondly, it sounds like you have a with him won't work out, plain and simple. The bond of trust doesn't exist with you and when that's gone, no matter how much either of you want to be committed, us guys won't be able to treat you girls the same. Us guys like sex, Woman in Red, and that's what this married guy, your current boyfriend, likes about you. By hooking up with an old flame, you changed the power structure by leveling the playing field (he's cheating on you with his wife, you cheated on him with your old flame) and that's something that is hard for us guys to handle. All relationships deal in trust, and guys like us tend to hold women in higher regard than we do ourselves. It's OK for us guys to have multiple girlfriends, but it's not alright for women to have multiple boyfriends. Sure, it's a double standard, but that's how us guys see things. That said, a relationship with a married man is doomed from the start. Yes, he may divorce his wife to be with you, but in a few years, guys like us will just move on, have connection with your old flame and that's great, go with him. I say this because us guys don't like to share women with other men. While your current boyfriend may be fine cheating on his wife with you, guys like us don't like it when those tables are turned. Your relationship an affair with another woman, and end up marrying her. There's no way you could ever trust him, and there's no way (now) that he can ever trust you. Us guys like a definitive woman, and we'll wait for you as long as it takes. Your old boyfriend that you had a child with sounds like a great fit. Us guys have a special connection to women that have bore our children and we also don't forget about our old flames. There's no reason you can't get back together with him, and if he's like the rest of us guys, he'd love to be with you. Guys like us tend to stick with women we have a history with, especially when a child is involved, and you're long history makes it seem like you're a great couple together.
Good Grief..I am a woman and stopped reading the saga above, after the 10 sentence. My suggestion, is find a therapist and your fear of abandonment, OCD, and Borderline Personalities in Women/Men....
Posted by: Colletta | August 19, 2009 at 11:44 PM