Submitted by: Christine
I have known this guy for about 3 months now. We don't really seeing each other too often because we live about an hour away from each other. However, we have been speaking nearly everyday if not all day since the time we met (usually we communicate via gtalk). The first time he decided to kiss me he told me that he liked me but was not ready for a relationship. After having thuoght about it for a while I realized I would not be okay as"friends with benefits". I talked to him about what we both want out of this and he told me that even after a year he is still not over his ex. I have never been in this situation before and am a little confused, is it possible to like two people at once? Ultimately, we decided that we would just be friends but the problem is we still talk just as much and I cannot, though I have tried, "turn off" my feelings towards him. Even since we decided to be friends there have been a couple occasions where he has spent the night in my bed (just sleeping). Further more, we recently were both very drunk and made out. Strangely all this time he said he didn't want to hurt me but that he was only ready for casual sex. he told me some thins about how he was feeling towards his ex, we both cried and it was very intimate. Now I am more confused than before, this person makes me very happy and I really just want to be with him but his actions and his words are so confusing to me. I swear sometimes I look at him and I feel like he likes me back but I could be delusional. Am I wasting my time? It might be too late for me not to get hurt but should I get out of this while I sill can? I want to, but I'm just not sure if I can be his friend. I really do care about him though. He was very hurt by his ex and half of me wants to comfort him as a friend and half of me wants to kill her because I would like to be his girlfriend. I it possible that this relationship could work out? and if it does, will I always be second best to her? Thank you.
Hey Christine!
The saying “beginning is half over” may apply here. Making a commitment to move in a particular direction with your relationship is now more important then ever. Deciding to pursue a lasting relationship with your guy will help focus your energy in the right direction. Remaining torn on whether to move forward or move on is a split in your thinking and can’t add any value to your actions. By fully committing to make a relationship work, or not, will have a profound affect on the outcome of your decisions. If you decide to move forward with your guy here’s some observations.
Obviously guys get hurt just as much by bad relationships and breakups as gals do. It can take a considerable amount of time to get over it. Considering the hurt feelings, length of the relationship, etc. all these can contribute to some very powerful subconscious impulses. Sometimes things will be going along just fine and suddenly up from the deep comes some memory or emotion for no good reason. It can be scary and it can be paralyzing. Guys can take a long time to get over a past relationship fully just as a gal can. This doesn’t mean they don’t want to or aren’t trying to get over the past quickly; it just takes time to sort out all the deep emotions and questions.
Continue to be sensitive to his needs right now and be patient when looking for any kind of results; they will come, eventually. For guys to deal with the hurt, to heal and to let go can take a considerable amount of time and effort. Just turning off his feelings regarding his history is probably as difficult as you may find turning off your feelings for him. Validating the way he is feeling is important to the healing process, but try to avoid strengthening any resentment he may have toward the ex and make it clear to him you do understand what he is feeling. It does look like the process of healing is moving forward, although slowly, by the communication level the two of you are sharing at this point and if it continues your relationship will improve.
Keep in mind that everything you have done so far to help your guy is not going unnoticed. He sees and he feels your genuine concern, but again, getting over the deep feelings of hurt can be a challenge for both of you. Whether you realize it or not the authentic concern and empathy you have demonstrated is working toward building trust in the relationship. By sharing his feelings with you and having you treat them with validation and respect is building trust and will continue to build trust in your relationship.
It will be important that you encourage mutual communication and sharing of emotions by both of you. This sharing of emotions will make a major contribution and play a vital role in his healing. Guys also need to see some hope in the relationship they are pursuing and you need to provide that hope by being there for him. Remain accessible to him on as many levels as you feel comfortable. Also be available emotionally, exercising patience with the entire healing process. If you do things are going to work out fine for the both of you and the relationship will continue to grow.
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