Submitted by: Nicole
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now. In the beginning we went through a lot of struggles. I met him while i was with my ex. He had just gotten out of a three year relationship. We fell for eachother almost instantly. We had EVERYTHING in common, we could talk about anything and everything for hours. I broke it off with my ex bf to be with him. He was so inlove with me, it was like a fairytale. When I saw my ex move onto another girl i wanted him back. I know i didnt get over my ex the proper way, and that was a reason why i wanted him back. Everyday I would go and tell my current bf that i wanted my ex and he was everything to me and no one could compare. It was so bad one time that my current bf was crying once. AND HE NEVER CRIES. He even tried to help me get back with my ex cause he saw how much it was hurting me. He put his feelings aside and was there for me everynight, talking, helping in any way he could. Then after i started not caring for my ex anymore i fell for the new guy all over again and at this point he had taught himself how to be fine with or without me. He eventually stopped calling me sweet names or saying he loved me or he missed me. He slowly started turning off all his emotions. He told me that he wanted to get over his ex the proper way before he started anything with me. He also wanted me to get over my ex too. We finally made it official this past January,(after 6 months) His emotions are hardly there tho, he told me its cause i damaged him in the beginning and it'll take a while to come back. He also is best friends with his first ex from high school. She was his first. She moved to calgary in January. He told me that I can't be jealous of her because thats his best friend. They message eachother sometimes on facebook and i saw some of their messages. Some of them he was telling her he missed her, and wanted her home so he could be happy again. They also have little nicknames for eachother. In one he even called her babygirl. When i confronted him, he told me that's how their relationship is and they have a weird relationship. He said if i wanted that girl i would've went after her. He said its been ten years and nothing has happened. He also asked me.."why would I go through all of that hurt and pain from you and your ex, to get back with her?" It scares me because he tells her he missesher and wants her home and when i tell him I miss him he'll say "oh" so i feel as though he wants her and not me. Yet, ive talked to both of them and their story is the same.. Also, my bf has put up with alot on my end as well, first, with my ex and my mom. My mom always kicks me out and she hates him so he refuses to come near my house. We can only go to his house and his familys very strict. Hes a hard worker and He used to take me to work with him everyday for a year until his boss stopped him. Now i only see him on the weekends. He's told me he has nothing to hide. Ive even went behind his back and checked his email. (i know thats bad) i told him and he was mad.. but hes ok now..yet he still gives me his phone and computer and leaves me alone with it.. so much has happened in such a short year anything that you can help me with here would be great. Do you think he really loves me? What should I do? Help!!
Nicole, It sounds like your boyfriend might have emotionally checked out of the game, but there are still a few things you can do to put some stability back in your relationship. We guys don't like insecure girlfriends. It's important to us guys that our girlfriends trust us and themselves, and when they question what we tell them about our emotions we think it means they're not ready to be in a relationship. We guys think this because if you don't believe us when we say that we care for you, we either start to question ourselves, or start to question if you really want to be with us. Things like checking our e-mails tell us guys that you don't trust us, and if you can't trust your significant other, then shouldn't be with him in the first place. The first thing you have to do is start trusting your boyfriend. Stop checking his e-mails, start listening to what he is telling you. If you can't do this, then it's time to be single. We guys might be hurt by this, but we'll understand, too, and it's the best solution for the both of you in the long run. With us guys, the more you don't trust what we say the angrier we'll get, and ultimately you'll end up driving us away anyway. So, if you can't trust what your boyfriend is telling you, then try to get to the roots of why this is. Your boyfriend sounds like a patient and understanding guy, but the defense he built up when you said you want to be with your ex is hard for any guy to get over. Us guys put a lot of pride on the line when we get into a relationship and we guys will emotionally detach ourselves if we get hurt. If you tell us guys you're interested in another boy, we'll cross you off our list and start to look elsewhere. To break down those emotional defenses is tough for us guys, and for us to put our pride on the line is asking a lot. We guys need time to get back to where we are. What will make that process take longer is if our girlfriends keeps asking us guys if our emotions are genuine. Odds are, your boyfriend probably isn't being emotionally truthful with you. Regular guys will say what we want to feel, even if we don't actually feel that way at the moment. Us guys will do that because we know we care and we know we want to love a girl, but we have our own pride and our own insecurities to get over first. We know the emotions are there, but they're covered in our fears and pride. What you need to do is understand this and be patient and trust what we're saying. You may know what we say is not true (women have much more intuition than we'd like to admit), but it's important for us (especially when we really care for you) that we think we're not hurting you. That's why us guys will say we love you and so on when it may not appear genuine: because we don't want to bother you with our insecurities and we don't want to hurt you. Because deep down we really do care. It sounds backwards, but some things us guys have to deal with ourselves, and we're better off if you just believe what we tell you. Finally, us guys all have an ex-girlfriend or another girl that we like to talk to. We might have a relationship with them that appears threatening to our current girlfriends, but you have to learn to trust us. Women are complex to understand and it's always nice for us guys to have another female to talk to that isn't our significant other. Don't be threatened by his ex. Take a step back. Your boyfriend has put up with a lot more than most of us guys will, odds are he's talking to his ex about you and she's more beneficial to your relationship than she is harmful. She's helping him through a lot of emotional issues that he would never bother you with because those emotional issues are about you. In short, girlfriends have to learn to put up with girls that us guys have as friends: without them those girlfriends would be a lot worse off. In short, Nicole, listen to what us guys tell you. Take what we tell you at face value and be there for us. Like all the rest of us guys, your boyfriend needs time to recoup emotionally and he needs a girl that isn't you to talk about it with. If you can't learn to trust what us guys say and wait until we're ready to talk about our emotions with you, then we guys will just keep building up those walls higher and thicker until there's no relationship left.
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