Submitted by: Stephanie
"My boyfriend and i have been dating about 1 yr and a half now. But throughout the relationship, i would find little traces of his ex-gf still. Every few months, i'll find out that he still keeps memories of her. The worst that made me really angry was when i found out that he still kept her text message which was sent by her almost 2 yrs back. In the text message, she was asking him if he was over her. He claimed to have never replied her. I know people may say that there's nothing wrong in being friends with their ex-es. But they're not even friends or contacting each other anymore. I just felt like by keeping all the memories of her, tells me that he's not completely over her yet. And i feel like this 1 yr plus of relationship with me, has been a waste of time. His bestfriend tells me that he'll always have feelings for her and it's hurting me. When i asked him if its true, he swore to me saying its not true at all and that im the only one he loves. But his actions are telling me otherwise. I don't know what to do anymore.. :(
Stephanie"
Stephanie,
Don't worry. Your relationship is just fine. We guys tend to hold onto little mementos from the past, whether it's an old baseball glove, a shot glass from someplace we visited or, yes, even old love letters and text messages. Part of why we do this is for the same reason that we photo albums: to remember. But when it comes to old flames, a lot of it for us guys is thinking about 'what could have been'. I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it's not.
Even if we hold onto memories of the people we've been close to in the past, it doesn't mean we guys want to keep close to those people. If that's what we wanted, then we'd have never lost touch with them in the first place. Those old text messages remind us of who those ex's were and why they're ex's now. The fact that he has that old text message is as much a testament to you as it is to his ex-girlfriend. We read those old messages and say "ah, that's why I'm with her, and not (enter ex-girlfriend's name here)."
Another reason we guys keep mementos comes down to the age old belief in cold feet. It's easy for a guy to feel trapped, especially as relationships get more serious. You could have the happiest, most faithful boyfriend in the world, but he has an escape plan sketched out in his head, no matter how perfect your relationship may be. We guys do this. It's a defense mechanism. Whether we ever have to use those escape plans depends on the relationships we're in, but one thing that will get us guys closer to finding the nearest exit are fears from our girlfriends that we are dreaming about someone else. Don't think about the one text message your boyfriend has from his ex, think about the hundreds that he's sent you. With guys we keep around the 'What Could Have Beens' so we can see more clearly the 'What Is' right in front of us.
His best friends are just being honest with you. Of course, your boyfriend still has feelings for his ex. Us guys get in relationships because we have feelings for someone in the first place. There's no expiration date on those emotions, even if there is on the relationship itself. Those are parts of our lives that we want to hold onto so we don't forget about the mistakes we made, or, sure, the good times we had. It's rare that when we break up with a girl we end up hating them outright (but even that shows we're still emotionally involved). Your boyfriend has feelings for her, and he always will, they're just not the 'feelings' you might be thinking of.
Just don't forget: because we remember back on what we had, doesn't mean we want it all over again.
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