Submitted by: Laura
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. He is sensitive, generous, kind, and wonderful. Our personalities are such that we don't argue, just talk gently and find solutions for any problems that might arise, so that's not an issue. What IS an issue is his break-up with his ex-wife. He says he does not have any feelings to be with her ever again, but he also bounces back and forth as to whether he wants to be with ANYONE ever again after how badly she burned him (she cheated on him and was hurtful towards the kids, etc). He and I are truly best friends as well as boyfriend/girlfriend -- we usually talk every day online or via phone, go on trips together either by ourselves or with our kids, share interests and ideas, and sometimes we just hang out. Then, every few months or so, completely out of the blue, he'll make himself scarce for a day or two and claim that he can't handle being close to someone. It's like he has these panic attacks and decides he's uncomfortable, so he runs away! He says he loves to spend time with me, and would miss me terribly if I was out of his life (he doesn't want to date anyone else). The weird thing is, I don't feel like I am pressuring him, i.e. I told him I don't want to get married, our finances are all completely separate, I don't expect anything from him, etc. I love him for who he is, not for what he can give to me -- maybe it's the unconditional love that's scaring him? And after he has these attacks, he ends up spending even MORE time with me than before -- by his own volition! It's as if he regrets the panic and tries to make sure I'm not really going anywhere. He has also never said "I love you" -- I've never said anything about it to him, because it's not such a huge concern -- his actions speak louder than words. He is very loving and kind -- more loving than most people I know that actually HAVE said those three little words. But, he also said during one of his panics that he consciously stops himself from doing anything that I might interpret as reciprocating my strong feelings for him because he doesn't want to let any woman hurt him again. Any thoughts on what's going on here, or how I should approach the situation in a way that is sensitive to his needs?
Hey Laura! Sounds like you’ve got a wonderful guy here. It is understandable why you care for him as much as you do. Guys can have a real hard time getting over a past relationship especially when it involves marriage, kids and a nasty breakup. We need time to heal from the emotional wounds that result from a relationship gone bad. You didn’t say how long he was married but sometimes guys can require many years to fully put a bad relationship behind them and move on fully into a new relationship. It sounds like your guy wants to do that and his periodic distancing just may be the time and space he needs to deal with the emotions he is experiencing. You are right to an extent to give him the space to sort things out but at some point if your relationship is going to move forward you will have to be part of the process as well. Your guy’s history is always going to be part of who he is.
Your guy appears to be a very amiable personality and you must really enjoy having him around. Your sensitivity and patience is to be commended. But every relationship that is growing and thriving has expectations for those involved. Guys love it when a woman depends on them, as it projects real value for them in the relationship. We love to feel wanted and needed in our relationships. Sure he needs his space and always will, but guys also need to feel they bring genuine value to a relationship in order to develop a solid sense of security. The value we bring to a relationship identifies our role in it and also alerts us as to how we can provide for those depending on us. Guys do take pride in their ability to care of those depending on us.
Your unconditional love is essential in the relationship but that is different then your expectations. You can unconditionally love your guy and still have expectations of him and your relationship together. Expectations and unconditional love are two separate aspects with each contributing to the growth of the relationship. Everyone comes to a relationship with expectations whether we realize it or not. Unconditional love is the foundation of a successful relationship but fulfilled expectations are the catalyst for continued growth. As conscientious as your guy sounds he will probably be totally receptive to any expectations, present or future, you may have for your relationship together. Start off with the small expectations and work your way up from there.
Gently encourage your guy to verbally express his emotions, positive or negative so that the two of you can sort through them together. This may be a challenge at first but with a gentle hand and some encouragement you can gradually bring it about. Everyone in a relationship needs validation from the other partner through the reciprocating expression of feelings. The two of you will always have ups and downs in the relationship and sorting them out together is always the best way. A relationship with good communication, mutual respect and genuine caring for each partner has the greatest potential to continue growing everyday into something more wonderful.
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