Why is he pushing me away?

Submitted by: Kim

"My boyfriend and I started dating 6 weeks after his wife of 13 years left him for another man. Almost immediately, we started "playing house" and I was there every night cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids. We decided to move in together and started looking at houses and out of the blue, he cooled way down on everything. Actually, he brought it to a screeching halt. Of course, at that time, I started sensing that he was pulling away from me and started questioning him on how he felt about me. Last week, he tells me that he thinks he cannot give me his heart, because his ex still may have a piece of it. He's not considering getting back with her and I believe that he truly does care for me. Is this a way to "end it all" or does he just need time to sort things out? Should I wait around? Should I call him? I love this man, but don't want to appear too needy and desperate. At the same time, I don't want to be to distant so that when he does (if he does) figure things out, he won't call me to try to work on OUR relationship. Suggestions????

Sounds like you have a real tricky situation here. I know guys like to jump right into a new relationship after a break up and sometimes we do it too soon. Guys need to work through all the baggage of the old relationship before jumping into a new one just like woman. Obviously he cares enough about you to start a relationship and move in together. Somehow he sees himself sharing a future with you. But he may not have sorted everything out yet. And this may be why he is running a little shy at this point. All of his emotions that are left over from his ex-wife haven’t been sorted out yet and he knows it. When guys say they can’t give you their heart this is what they are really saying.

Guys tend to optimistically move forward and start a relationship with someone they have feelings for but the fact is right now his feelings for you may be muddled by the breakup of his previous marriage. It is going to take some time to develop a relationship of trust with him. Guys can sometimes let things go and even push them away just to see if they will come back to him again. If they do come back guys will trust them with everything. It is going to take some patience on your part to understand what he is going through. And guys need support from those people who are important to us when we go through these tough times in our lives.

You can help your boyfriend to heal and at the same time remain close to him by continuing to communicate with him. Guys love it when woman want to stay in touch and be involved in their lives even if it is superficial and on the surface only. But try and be patient without adding any additional pressure to the situation right now. You will be able to tell when you can move safely forward and when you should back off by his disposition. If you’re up to it and want this to work out with him you will have to be able to follow his lead at times.

Try being subtle with him and less direct when it comes to emotional issues unless he gives you the green light to go ahead. Guys like to feel in control and you can let him feel this way too while you continue to let your relationship unfold naturally and constructively.

Let me tell you guys respond more to actions then they do anything else, be certain your actions express your intentions correctly. You can send him very clear messages by what you do and the actions you take. Remaining involved with him is going to speak very loudly about your motivation to have a relationship with him.

Building on the feelings the both of you have for each other will not only help him to heal it will help the too of you to grow together emotionally. Make sure you follow your heart toward him while his heart is healing. By all means call him, but within reason. Don’t be calling him all hours of the day and night for no reason, make sure you have a valid reason for calling. If you just want to talk with him tell him that’s ok, just tell him so. Guys love that! If you follow your heart and build your relationship with him slowly come around and he will come to trust you and depend on you. These are two qualities guys look for in a woman they want around for the long-term; trust and dependability.

Comments

[katie green]

i have a question.i met this guy in high school we were really good friends but i knew he liked me he told me all the time,but i insisted the just friends things.during our friendship he would constantly stay around me at school(no air)then randomly pull the things like oh i dont want to be your friend,you dont care about me.and act depressed.later come back an apologize in a couple of days...well that lasted about a year of just friends and i decided to date him finally.he seemed excited and happy.hes very clingy and always wanting attention,but it seems like after a single argument he ready to end it.im like forreal?he tells me he cant get emontially attached.we dont speak for months after the break up.this has been going on for on/off dating thing for 2-3 years and im tired of trying to keep him.whats wrong with this kid???