Confused and Worried...

Submitted by: Kirsten

"My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 2 months now, so obviously everything is still new. I didn't find out how badly he had been hurt by his previous relationship until about two weeks ago.
He talks about her all the time, and how much he hates her. This seemed normal at first, until it became a constant thing.

He started talking about how he was a loner, when he's really a very social guy, and then disappearing randomly. He wouldn't tell anyone where he was going or when he was coming back. It's almost as if he's challenging me to make him stop. When I sat down, and asked him to please at least let me know where he was going, and when he thought he'd be back, and his only comments were that he was a loner, and he was sick of bending to others' needs.

After this, I've tried to give him his space. Some days with him are perfect, and I couldn't be happier. Others, he broods all day, and when asked about it, he answers that he works alone and that he'll handle it by himself. He won't even tell me whats wrong, nor if I can do anything.

He was dumped by his ex 6 months ago.

Here's my big question... Did we begin dating too soon for him? I've already asked him this, and he insists that he's completely over his ex, and is happy with me, but his behavior looks to me like it points to the opposite. Should we maybe cool it for a while until he can learn to trust people again, or do you think that that would make things worse, and remind him of what his ex did to him? I want to be with him, but I don't know what he needs.

Confused and worried, Kirsten"

Dear Kirsten,
It sounds as though your boyfriend is not yet over his ex. It is ok and normal for men and people in general to reflect upon things in their life that have gone wrong, but it is not ok for your boyfriend to let the past linger in the mist of your relationship. The feelings of rejection and powerlessness that follow getting dumped are very significant for guys in general. First, the man is forced to acknowledge that he does not control the relationship and is powerless to save something he may value. Secondly, guys tend to have a healthy amount of ego, mine is huge, when they are told they are dumped they see themselves as substandard and we men hate being substandard. It can take a long time for men to get over this slight, often they are "ready" to date again long before they forget the injury.

Honestly, I do not believe that your boyfriend began dating too soon; for men, it is often difficult to get over their last girlfriend until they have a new one. In such a way, it is very much the new girlfriend who helps the man get over his last. This can be hard on the current girlfriend, you, but you should not feel he rushed into your relationship. Time often is not enough to make men forget. In my experience, the longer a man has to reflect on a problem, the more egregious it becomes in his mind. It is important for men to find a way to solve a problem and to avoid letting it fester. Working through the problem, and showing, not telling, your boyfriend you are not his ex is going to be the best ways to help your boyfriend get over her. Cooling things down for a while could very well make things worse; if your boyfriend got over his ex girlfriend during the cool down period, it would likely be with the help of someone else.

As far as your boyfriend saying he is a loner, all the guy that I know including myself, have some tendency to back away from the group from time to time. In addition, being around people you do not want to be around, doing things you do not want to will get old fast.  It is important for you to get to know what your boyfriend’s likes and dislikes are. It is also important to make sure that your boyfriend is not always stuck doing things he truly hates. It is possible that the friends you have in common are ones he does not like all that much himself.  The best way to deal with it is to find out what your boyfriend would rather be doing. If you can take an interest in your boyfriend's preferences, the problem of him thinking about his ex will melt away, he will get over her. Taking interest in your boyfriend's interests also allows you two to become closer and have a much better time together. Focus on your relationship, enjoy each other, and things will work out.