Ask A Guy

Going Crazy If He Leaves. What Should I DO?

Submitted by: Woman In Red

i've had my boyfriend for 2+ years now, and we had some 2 yrs, 23 yrs back - and bore him a child of whom he didn't know about until 21 yrs after.  the first phase we had was when we were both single, and now he's been married for 24 years, and still is. and i have been divorced for 18 yrs now.  i've had relationships that i had kept from him, but eventually he learned about, and he being a jealous person, had become more jealous.  and after 21 yrs he found me again and hooked up via mails and calls. we were in 2 parts of the world. and agreed to meet after 6 months of daily calls and mails. 2 weeks before we met once more, i ended a hope from someone who had promised me marriage after his divorce, but since i found once more my true love, i chose to tell this person to drop me from his plan. although at that point, i was also firm that i will not be in an affair, but i didn't want cheating anyone, so eventually i'd also not have a relationship with my now boyfriend.  but when i was with this old flame for some 5 hours, one thing led to the other when i saw this long time flame to say goodbye, and sex happened.  some 7 months back, i had found a way to force my job to be situated where he is, and be with him, for that whole 7 months.  In this time, I didn’t go home to my children and my dying mom, who actually passed away in January without me being by her side.  With that said, he had access to everything, including my emails.  I allowed this to prove that I could be trusted.  and sometime in march'08, my boyfriend found traces of emails of this meeting, 9but none of the sex thing), that i thought was already deleted from in my computer, and so i confessed altogether, and chose to be honest about it.  this had really broken his heart, and it was a real difficult time. to him i cheated, and i agreed to this with so much justifications, because i knew i had my reasons at that time. trust absolutely failed, because he can't accept that before coming to him, i had met up with someone.  and i explained that i neither planned to be in a relationship with him, though i love him, because he was married.  that's a real long story.. i being so sorry that i have hurt him, although i had my reasons, i had to take in his own, because i should have told him of that important past when we first met, specially when we said we'd pursue the relationship.  this is one major blow, and this is a real problem that stings almost all the time... but he had hang on.  Although there are times when I caught him communicating with his old affairs, and he said but there is no sex, just I did…so I would only forgive and forget.   this is just a background so you see how volatile his heart is already.  You may opt not to publish this part…

the current problem i have now however, is one that we had 3 days ago.  we have the habit of hanging out on the phone when not together, and stretches for hours and hours.  so, i was watching tv while we were on the phone and got so engrossed, and got to the point of ignoring him.  So eventually he got mad and said just go watch your tv…. The following day I was apologizing and said that I’m sorry that I made him feel ignored.  And to him I was not owning up to ignoring him, and that I am even saying that he should not feel that, and he should understand.  And my response to that was that all I’m saying that I’m sorry that he felt ignored, and it was not intentional.  This had grown to him saying that I’m insulting his intelligence, and I have no respect for him, since I should know that he knows that I don’t intend it…. And this had gone around in circles for another 2 days with him ignoring me as I am on the phone, and truly being cold to me.  And today, he said that I always had done this insult and disrespect to him and he is giving up on me.  And I am now in so much pain of the thought he is leaving me, and was begging for him not to.  Eventually he said, ok, but I’m thinking it was just to make me stop.  What do you think should I do now… I love him so much more now, and I have been so dependent on this love.  I feel like going crazy by the thought of him leaving me!  I am going to his place by end of this week, he says he can’t see me, because he needs to tend to his wife… and he knew I was coming 2 weeks ago… your thoughts pls.
thanx!

Woman in Red, I want to make sure I understand this right. You have a two year relationship with a man who is married, and recently had an affair with a child you bore. As such your married boyfriend shouldn't be offended that you cheated. For one, he's cheating on his wife with you. Secondly, it sounds like you have a with him won't work out, plain and simple. The bond of trust doesn't exist with you and when that's gone, no matter how much either of you want to be committed, us guys won't be able to treat you girls the same. Us guys like sex, Woman in Red, and that's what this married guy, your current boyfriend, likes about you. By hooking up with an old flame, you changed the power structure by leveling the playing field (he's cheating on you with his wife, you cheated on him with your old flame) and that's something that is hard for us guys to handle. All relationships deal in trust, and guys like us tend to hold women in higher regard than we do ourselves. It's OK for us guys to have multiple girlfriends, but it's not alright for women to have multiple boyfriends. Sure, it's a double standard, but that's how us guys see things. That said, a relationship with a married man is doomed from the start. Yes, he may divorce his wife to be with you, but in a few years, guys like us will just move on, have connection with your old flame and that's great, go with him. I say this because us guys don't like to share women with other men. While your current boyfriend may be fine cheating on his wife with you, guys like us don't like it when those tables are turned. Your relationship an affair with another woman, and end up marrying her. There's no way you could ever trust him, and there's no way (now) that he can ever trust you. Us guys like a definitive woman, and we'll wait for you as long as it takes. Your old boyfriend that you had a child with sounds like a great fit. Us guys have a special connection to women that have bore our children and we also don't forget about our old flames. There's no reason you can't get back together with him, and if he's like the rest of us guys, he'd love to be with you. Guys like us tend to stick with women we have a history with, especially when a child is involved, and you're long history makes it seem like you're a great couple together.

Will I Always Be Second Best?

Submitted by: Christine

I have known this guy for about 3 months now. We don't really seeing each other too often because we live about an hour away from each other. However, we have been speaking nearly everyday if not all day since the time we met (usually we communicate via gtalk). The first time he decided to kiss me he told me that he liked me but was not ready for a relationship. After having thuoght about it for a while I realized I would not be okay as"friends with benefits". I talked to him about what we both want out of this and he told me that even after a year he is still not over his ex. I have never been in this situation before and am a little confused, is it possible to like two people at once? Ultimately, we decided that we would just be friends but the problem is we still talk just as much and I cannot, though I have tried, "turn off" my feelings towards him. Even since we decided to be friends there have been a couple occasions where he has spent the night in my bed (just sleeping). Further more, we recently were both very drunk and made out. Strangely all this time he said he didn't want to hurt me but that he was only ready for casual sex. he told me some thins about how he was feeling towards his ex, we both cried and it was very intimate. Now I am more confused than before, this person makes me very happy and I really just want to be with him but his actions and his words are so confusing to me. I swear sometimes I look at him and I feel like he likes me back but I could be delusional. Am I wasting my time?  It might be too late for me not to get hurt but should I get out of this while I sill can? I want to, but I'm just not sure if I can be his friend. I really do care about him though. He was very hurt by his ex and half of me wants to comfort him as a friend and half of me wants to kill her because I would like to be his girlfriend. I it possible that this relationship could work out? and if it does, will I always be second best to her?  Thank you.

Hey Christine!

The saying “beginning is half over” may apply here. Making a commitment to move in a particular direction with your relationship is now more important then ever. Deciding to pursue a lasting relationship with your guy will help focus your energy in the right direction. Remaining torn on whether to move forward or move on is a split in your thinking and can’t add any value to your actions. By fully committing to make a relationship work, or not, will have a profound affect on the outcome of your decisions. If you decide to move forward with your guy here’s some observations.

Obviously guys get hurt just as much by bad relationships and breakups as gals do. It can take a considerable amount of time to get over it. Considering the hurt feelings, length of the relationship, etc. all these can contribute to some very powerful subconscious impulses. Sometimes things will be going along just fine and suddenly up from the deep comes some memory or emotion for no good reason. It can be scary and it can be paralyzing. Guys can take a long time to get over a past relationship fully just as a gal can. This doesn’t mean they don’t want to or aren’t trying to get over the past quickly; it just takes time to sort out all the deep emotions and questions.

Continue to be sensitive to his needs right now and be patient when looking for any kind of results; they will come, eventually. For guys to deal with the hurt, to heal and to let go can take a considerable amount of time and effort. Just turning off his feelings regarding his history is probably as difficult as you may find turning off your feelings for him. Validating the way he is feeling is important to the healing process, but try to avoid strengthening any resentment he may have toward the ex and make it clear to him you do understand what he is feeling. It does look like the process of healing is moving forward, although slowly, by the communication level the two of you are sharing at this point and if it continues your relationship will improve.

Keep in mind that everything you have done so far to help your guy is not going unnoticed. He sees and he feels your genuine concern, but again, getting over the deep feelings of hurt can be a challenge for both of you. Whether you realize it or not the authentic concern and empathy you have demonstrated is working toward building trust in the relationship. By sharing his feelings with you and having you treat them with validation and respect is building trust and will continue to build trust in your relationship.

It will be important that you encourage mutual communication and sharing of emotions by both of you. This sharing of emotions will make a major contribution and play a vital role in his healing. Guys also need to see some hope in the relationship they are pursuing and you need to provide that hope by being there for him. Remain accessible to him on as many levels as you feel comfortable. Also be available emotionally, exercising patience with the entire healing process. If you do things are going to work out fine for the both of you and the relationship will continue to grow.

.

Does He Really Love Me?

Submitted by: Nicole

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now. In the beginning we went through a lot of struggles. I met him while i was with my ex. He had just gotten out of a three year relationship. We fell for eachother almost instantly. We had EVERYTHING in common, we could talk about anything and everything for hours. I broke it off with my ex bf to be with him. He was so inlove with me, it was like a fairytale. When I saw my ex move onto another girl i wanted him back. I know i didnt get over my ex the proper way, and that was a reason why i wanted him back. Everyday I would go and tell my current bf that i wanted my ex and he was everything to me and no one could compare. It was so bad one time that my current bf was crying once. AND HE NEVER CRIES. He even tried to help me get back with my ex cause he saw how much it was hurting me. He put his feelings aside and was there for me everynight, talking, helping in any way he could. Then after i started not caring for my ex anymore i fell for the new guy all over again and at this point he had taught himself how to be fine with or without me. He eventually stopped calling me sweet names or saying he loved me or he missed me. He slowly started turning off all his emotions. He told me that he wanted to get over his ex the proper way before he started anything with me. He also wanted me to get over my ex too. We finally made it official this past January,(after 6 months) His emotions are hardly there tho, he told me its cause i damaged him in the beginning and it'll take a while to come back. He also is best friends with his first ex from high school. She was his first. She moved to calgary in January. He told me that I can't be jealous of her because thats his best friend. They message eachother sometimes on facebook and i saw some of their messages. Some of them he was telling her he missed her, and wanted her home so he could be happy again. They also have little nicknames for eachother. In one he even called her babygirl. When i confronted him, he told me that's how their relationship is and they have a weird relationship. He said if i wanted that girl i would've went after her. He said its been ten years and nothing has happened. He also asked me.."why would I go through all of that hurt and pain from you and your ex, to get back with her?" It scares me because he tells her he missesher and wants her home and when i tell him I miss him he'll say "oh" so i feel as though he wants her and not me. Yet, ive talked to both of them and their story is the same.. Also, my bf has put up with alot on my end as well, first, with my ex and my mom. My mom always kicks me out and she hates him so he refuses to come near my house. We can only go to his house and his familys very strict. Hes  a hard worker and He used to take me to work with him everyday for a year until his boss stopped him. Now i only see him on the weekends. He's told me he has nothing to hide. Ive even went behind his back and checked his email. (i know thats bad) i told him and he was mad.. but hes ok now..yet he still gives me his phone and computer and leaves me alone with it.. so much has happened in such a  short year  anything that you can help me with here would be great. Do you think he really loves me? What should I do? Help!!

Nicole, It sounds like your boyfriend might have emotionally checked out of the game, but there are still a few things you can do to put some stability back in your relationship. We guys don't like insecure girlfriends. It's important to us guys that our girlfriends trust us and themselves, and when they question what we tell them about our emotions we think it means they're not ready to be in a relationship. We guys think this because if you don't believe us when we say that we care for you, we either start to question ourselves, or start to question if you really want to be with us. Things like checking our e-mails tell us guys that you don't trust us, and if you can't trust your significant other, then shouldn't be with him in the first place. The first thing you have to do is start trusting your boyfriend. Stop checking his e-mails, start listening to what he is telling you. If you can't do this, then it's time to be single. We guys might be hurt by this, but we'll understand, too, and it's the best solution for the both of you in the long run. With us guys, the more you don't trust what we say the angrier we'll get, and ultimately you'll end up driving us away anyway. So, if you can't trust what your boyfriend is telling you, then try to get to the roots of why this is. Your boyfriend sounds like a patient and understanding guy, but the defense he built up when you said you want to be with your ex is hard for any guy to get over. Us guys put a lot of pride on the line when we get into a relationship and we guys will emotionally detach ourselves if we get hurt. If you tell us guys you're interested in another boy, we'll cross you off our list and start to look elsewhere. To break down those emotional defenses is tough for us guys, and for us to put our pride on the line is asking a lot. We guys need time to get back to where we are. What will make that process take longer is if our girlfriends keeps asking us guys if our emotions are genuine. Odds are, your boyfriend probably isn't being emotionally truthful with you. Regular guys will say what we want to feel, even if we don't actually feel that way at the moment. Us guys will do that because we know we care and we know we want to love a girl, but we have our own pride and our own insecurities to get over first. We know the emotions are there, but they're covered in our fears and pride. What you need to do is understand this and be patient and trust what we're saying. You may know what we say is not true (women have much more intuition than we'd like to admit), but it's important for us (especially when we really care for you) that we think we're not hurting you. That's why us guys will say we love you and so on when it may not appear genuine: because we don't want to bother you with our insecurities and we don't want to hurt you. Because deep down we really do care. It sounds backwards, but some things us guys have to deal with ourselves, and we're better off if you just believe what we tell you. Finally, us guys all have an ex-girlfriend or another girl that we like to talk to. We might have a relationship with them that appears threatening to our current girlfriends, but you have to learn to trust us. Women are complex to understand and it's always nice for us guys to have another female to talk to that isn't our significant other. Don't be threatened by his ex. Take a step back. Your boyfriend has put up with a lot more than most of us guys will, odds are he's talking to his ex about you and she's more beneficial to your relationship than she is harmful. She's helping him through a lot of emotional issues that he would never bother you with because those emotional issues are about you. In short, girlfriends have to learn to put up with girls that us guys have as friends: without them those girlfriends would be a lot worse off. In short, Nicole, listen to what us guys tell you. Take what we tell you at face value and be there for us. Like all the rest of us guys, your boyfriend needs time to recoup emotionally and he needs a girl that isn't you to talk about it with. If you can't learn to trust what us guys say and wait until we're ready to talk about our emotions with you, then we guys will just keep building up those walls higher and thicker until there's no relationship left.

Afraid of my Unconditional Love?

Submitted by: Laura

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years.  He is sensitive, generous, kind, and wonderful.  Our personalities are such that we don't argue, just talk gently and find solutions for any problems that might arise, so that's not an issue.  What IS an issue is his break-up with his ex-wife.  He says he does not have any feelings to be with her ever again, but he also bounces back and forth as to whether he wants to be with ANYONE ever again after how badly she burned him (she cheated on him and was hurtful towards the kids, etc).  He and I are truly best friends as well as boyfriend/girlfriend -- we usually talk every day online or via phone, go on trips together either by ourselves or with our kids, share interests and ideas, and sometimes we just hang out. Then, every few months or so, completely out of the blue, he'll make himself scarce for a day or two and claim that he can't handle being close to someone.  It's like he has these panic attacks and decides he's uncomfortable, so he runs away!  He says he loves to spend time with me, and would miss me terribly if I was out of his life (he doesn't want to date anyone else).  The weird thing is, I don't feel like I am pressuring him, i.e. I told him I don't want to get married, our finances are all completely separate, I don't expect anything from him, etc.  I love him for who he is, not for what he can give to me -- maybe it's the unconditional love that's scaring him?  And after he has these attacks, he ends up spending even MORE time with me than before -- by his own volition! It's as if he regrets the panic and tries to make sure I'm not really going anywhere.  He has also never said "I love you" -- I've never said anything about it to him, because it's not such a huge concern -- his actions speak louder than words.  He is very loving and kind -- more loving than most people I know that actually HAVE said those three little words.  But, he also said during one of his panics that he consciously stops himself from doing anything that I might interpret as reciprocating my strong feelings for him because he doesn't want to let any woman hurt him again.  Any thoughts on what's going on here, or how I should approach the situation in a way that is sensitive to his needs?

Hey Laura! Sounds like you’ve got a wonderful guy here. It is understandable why you care for him as much as you do. Guys can have a real hard time getting over a past relationship especially when it involves marriage, kids and a nasty breakup. We need time to heal from the emotional wounds that result from a relationship gone bad. You didn’t say how long he was married but sometimes guys can require many years to fully put a bad relationship behind them and move on fully into a new relationship. It sounds like your guy wants to do that and his periodic distancing just may be the time and space he needs to deal with the emotions he is experiencing. You are right to an extent to give him the space to sort things out but at some point if your relationship is going to move forward you will have to be part of the process as well. Your guy’s history is always going to be part of who he is.

Your guy appears to be a very amiable personality and you must really enjoy having him around. Your sensitivity and patience is to be commended. But every relationship that is growing and thriving has expectations for those involved. Guys love it when a woman depends on them, as it projects real value for them in the relationship. We love to feel wanted and needed in our relationships. Sure he needs his space and always will, but guys also need to feel they bring genuine value to a relationship in order to develop a solid sense of security. The value we bring to a relationship identifies our role in it and also alerts us as to how we can provide for those depending on us. Guys do take pride in their ability to care of those depending on us.

Your unconditional love is essential in the relationship but that is different then your expectations. You can unconditionally love your guy and still have expectations of him and your relationship together. Expectations and unconditional love are two separate aspects with each contributing to the growth of the relationship. Everyone comes to a relationship with expectations whether we realize it or not. Unconditional love is the foundation of a successful relationship but fulfilled expectations are the catalyst for continued growth. As conscientious as your guy sounds he will probably be totally receptive to any expectations, present or future, you may have for your relationship together. Start off with the small expectations and work your way up from there.

Gently encourage your guy to verbally express his emotions, positive or negative so that the two of you can sort through them together. This may be a challenge at first but with a gentle hand and some encouragement you can gradually bring it about. Everyone in a relationship needs validation from the other partner through the reciprocating expression of feelings. The two of you will always have ups and downs in the relationship and sorting them out together is always the best way. A relationship with good communication, mutual respect and genuine caring for each partner has the greatest potential to continue growing everyday into something more wonderful.

What do i do?

Submitted by: Sarah

ok so i like this guy but he has a girlfriend we have kissed and he says he likes me alot even more then his girlfriend but he doesnt know what to do he has been with this girl for so long because no one elce liked him but now that i do he doesnt knw what to do he has been with this girl for so long that i think hes scared of the unknown like if its a mistake if he should stay with his girl or if he should try something new...what do i do?

Sarah, When we guys are dating a girl and hooking up with another one that means one of two things:  we don't really care about either girl, or we're confident that we can play both sides to our advantage.  Either way, the situation usually ends up hurting all three people involved.

If you want him to break up with his girlfriend so you guys can be together, then stop hooking up with him.  It sounds backwards, but as soon as you stop hooking up with us guys, we'll get curious and start to question what went wrong.  If we ask, just be honest and tell us you don't want to be the 'other girl' anymore.  Don't give us an ultimatum, don't tell us guys "it's her or me" because we'll take that as a threat.  But if you stop hooking up with us, it tells us guys that you want to be taken seriously.  It's not a threat, it's a statement.  This will also let you know whether us guys were serious about you in the first place, or if we just thought you were a great kisser.

Keep this in mind, too.  When we guys are hooking up with two girls at the same time that usually means that we're not committed to either, and we probably never will be.  He might be in a transition period in his life-- like your guy is afraid to break up with the first girl that's ever liked him--but if that's the case, then he's not ready for the next relationship in his life either (the one with you).  Guys like us need a while (especially after a big relationship) to figure out what went wrong and what to look for in the next girl.  That takes time and space to figure out.  If we hop straight into another relationship it usually won't last because of this.   If you end up being the girl to break us out of a relationship we'll appreciate that, but at the same time, we probably won't last too long with you, because we guys won't know what we want at that stage.

And that's the best thing you can give your guy: time and space.  Stop hooking up with him and be honest about it.  If a girl does that, we guys will start to figure out what it is we want.  If he decides to stick with his girlfriend, then there's nothing you can do about it. If he decides to go with you, then great.  But if we guys have a girlfriend, and a girl to hook up with on the side, we're not going to choose between them unless we have to.  The best way to do this is to back off, give us space, and make us choose.

It all comes down to this, Sarah:  odds are, if we guys are hooking up with a girl outside of our current relationship, then we're not ready to be serious with anyone, whether they're our girlfriends or not.

Memories of the Ex.

Submitted by: Stephanie

"My boyfriend and i have been dating about 1 yr and a half now. But throughout the relationship, i would find little traces of his ex-gf still. Every few months, i'll find out that he still keeps memories of her. The worst that made me really angry was when i found out that he still kept her text message which was sent by her almost 2 yrs back. In the text message, she was asking him if he was over her. He claimed to have never replied her. I know people may say that there's nothing wrong in being friends with their ex-es. But they're not even friends or contacting each other anymore. I just felt like by keeping all the memories of her, tells me that he's not completely over her yet. And i feel like this 1 yr plus of relationship with me, has been a waste of time. His bestfriend tells me that he'll always have feelings for her and it's hurting me. When i asked him if its true, he swore to me saying its not true at all and that im the only one he loves. But his actions are telling me otherwise. I don't know what to do anymore.. :(
Stephanie"

Stephanie,
Don't worry.  Your relationship is just fine.  We guys tend to hold onto little mementos from the past, whether it's an old baseball glove, a shot glass from someplace we visited or, yes, even old love letters and text messages.  Part of why we do this is for the same reason that we photo albums: to remember.  But when it comes to old flames, a lot of it for us guys is thinking about 'what could have been'.  I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it's not.

Even if we hold onto memories of the people we've been close to in the past, it doesn't mean we guys want to keep close to those people.  If that's what we wanted, then we'd have never lost touch with them in the first place.  Those old text messages remind us of who those ex's were and why they're ex's now.  The fact that he has that old text message is as much a testament to you as it is to his ex-girlfriend.  We read those old messages and say "ah, that's why I'm with her, and not (enter ex-girlfriend's name here)."

Another reason we guys keep mementos comes down to the age old belief in cold feet.  It's easy for a guy to feel trapped, especially as relationships get more serious.  You could have the happiest, most faithful boyfriend in the world, but he has an escape plan sketched out in his head, no matter how perfect your relationship may be.  We guys do this.  It's a defense mechanism.  Whether we ever have to use those escape plans depends on the relationships we're in, but one thing that will get us guys closer to finding the nearest exit are fears from our girlfriends that we are dreaming about someone else.  Don't think about the one text message your boyfriend has from his ex, think about the hundreds that he's sent you.  With guys we keep around the 'What Could Have Beens' so we can see more clearly the 'What Is' right in front of us.

His best friends are just being honest with you.  Of course, your boyfriend still has feelings for his ex.  Us guys get in relationships because we have feelings for someone in the first place.  There's no expiration date on those emotions, even if there is on the relationship itself.  Those are parts of our lives that we want to hold onto so we don't forget about the mistakes we made, or, sure, the good times we had.  It's rare that when we break up with a girl we end up hating them outright (but even that shows we're still emotionally involved).  Your boyfriend has feelings for her, and he always will, they're just not the 'feelings' you might be thinking of.

Just don't forget:  because we remember back on what we had, doesn't mean we want it all over again.

I'm ready to make this a relationship.

Submitted by: Sara

"I have been dateing this guy for 9 months now. When we first started dateing neither of us were wanting a serious relationship.. But after 4 months I did. He kept tellin me that I knew from the beginning that he wasn't ready for girlfriend. He was burned by his ex fiance and ex girlfriend pretty bad and he did admit to not being over them but I have tried to give himspace but he ran back to me and ocouldnt let me go. I know he's not seeing anyone else and we are way more together that I have ever been with a past boyfriend!! if I try to bring up our relationship status , we end fighting. What is all this mean? Shoukld I wait on him or just give him a final ultamatitum? I'm ready togive my whole heart to him but I need the label. Its like he's afraid of the "boyfriend label". Worst of all, he's like my best friend now, so loseing him is going to be so hard"

Guys will always shy away from labels. With us guys labels mean putting a lot on the line publicly. It sounds like this guy has just had his heart broken a few times and he's reluctant to put himself out there so boldly quite yet. Granted, most guys will have come around after six months or so, but often times the more reluctant we are, the more we are scared to lose what we already have. We shy away from labels when we're nervous about just how serious we might be with a woman and nervous about what we might be admitting to ourselves and everyone else. In short, it sounds like this guy has cold feet.

We guys don't handle break ups well because we have a lot of pride in ourselves and in the relationships that mean a lot to us. It's hard when a girlfriend that breaks up with us, but even harder when it's a fiancé because if we've asked you to marry us then we've really put our reputation on the line. After a heartbreak like that we'll be more timid on the next go around. That means we'll take it slower with labels. After all, you can't break up with us if we were never your boyfriend, right? It makes sense to us.

Never give us guys an ultimatum. If you us the choice to say we're your boyfriend or to move on, you might be scared what the answer is. And it won't be because we don't care about you, but because you just put our pride on the line. If the label of calling him a 'boyfriend' is more important than the relationship you currently have with him, then your relationship isn't going to work. We guys are stubborn and if you put your foot down, we will too.

Keep this in mind, too. Just like he's scared to get a label, it sounds like you're scared not to have one. Relationships no matter what the label are a two way street and you might be pushing your insecurities on him. But again, nine months is a long time, and it sounds like he's just scared.

The best thing you can is to wait it out. He's already your boyfriend in everything but name, and I bet all of his friends and all of your friends, know exactly what you two are (you're both exclusive, each others' best friends, no matter what you call it, you're girlfriend and boyfriend in everything but name). Now you just have to wait for him to come around and see it, too. If you can, it'll mean that much more when he calls himself your boyfriend.

Rebound or RealGirl??

Submitted by: Whitney

"My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years and last year he joined the Navy. I never knew that was his calling. So now I have myself a long distance relationship, but that's not even the worst of my problems. I recently found out that I was somewhat of the rebound girl some 3 years ago. This girl I can't stand, she asked me for advice on how to get back with my bf, after he had broken up with her. He stopped talking to the ex for a good year while we were dating. The second year however, they started talking again. My boyfriend and I are very close and really have never had a fight over anything but the ex. We talk on a weekly basis now that he's gone, but when he comes back, when we aren't hanging out, he's with the ex. He says they're just friends but I know she is not over him and probably never will be. She uses the fact that they hang out to try and make me jealous. It's starting to piss me off because he doesn't understand that she is driving me crazy. He says he's sorry she acts that way but she is still one of his close friends... What do you suggest I do or what can I say to him without coming off as the jealous girlfriend?"

We guys will always talk to girls, even ones that aren’t our girlfriends. You can’t blame your boyfriend for hanging out with other people, even girls, especially in a long distance relationship. Guys like to be assured that there are other options out there, and attention from a girl (including exs) remind us that we’re not stuck in a relationship, but that we choose to be in a relationship. We guys also like another woman to talk to when we’re worried about the relationship we’re in, either because we aren’t sure it’s right for us, or because we’re getting ready to make a big decision and want another girl to talk about it with. She may still have feelings for him and you may not like her, but that shouldn’t matter if you trust him.

Guys like us don’t respond to confrontation about this though. If you bring her up, then we’ll only see that as you being overbearing and an argument will almost certainly occur. He knows how you feel about her and he’s made his choice: he’s going to hang out with her.

The best way you can get us guys to pay attention to you is if you play hard to get. Whether you’re trying to get a guys attention at the bar or you’ve been dating the same man for three years, for us guys nothing works better. Let him hang out with her. Pretend it doesn’t bother you. Go out with your own friends, girls or guys. This shows us that you trust us, and as soon as you start to pull away we’ll see how much fun you are and come running back. It’s not perfect, but that’s how we guys operate: we grab onto the things we’re afraid we might lose.

That all said, if you have a feel like you can’t trust him then it won’t last. When we’re confronted about something and we get defensive it doesn’t always mean we’re hiding something, but if he knows she’s dead set on getting back together with him and he’s insistent on hanging out with her, watch out. We military guys spend a lot of time away in stressful situations and we’ll look for comfort wherever we can, girlfriend or just a girl if we feel like we can get away with it. If you feel like that’s the case, then let this ship sail.